On Birthdays
The Utility of Hedonism
My earliest birthday memory finds me in church. The circumstances are unclear, but a pastor’s wife is bent down to talk to me, really excited about my birthday in a way I had never known anyone to be. My response was to absorb this excitement and let it produce expectation. I was going to be older, and it was exciting.
The next memorable birthday is my 13th. My mother showed up to school the day before with pizza and drinks for my friends, signed me out, and threw me a surprise birthday party in Preteens church the next Sunday. Preteens because one does not switch up on their Day Ones after hitting 13. My Aunty Uduak made me a white and blue cake, and there was jollof rice and drinks.
My 14th birthday is harder to place, but I have a book from my friend James signed: “Happy 14th, Kanky. Many happy returns of March 18th.”
For my 15th birthday, my last in boarding school, my roommate Beatrice decorated our room and had piles of gifts and notes from everyone set up in my corner. I walked in at the end of the day, turned on the lights, and all my roommates and friends screamed “Happy Birthday!” We had a little party, people said tributes, we sang and danced—I went to sleep happy.
My 17th birthday passed without much ado. I was home on strike and everyone was busy. My mother gave me a bottle of groundnuts and a box of Eclairs. I remember assuaging her worries that she wasn’t doing enough but also taking my groundnuts into the guest room and calling Beatrice in tears. I was disappointed, yes, but it was a tense, neurotic period of general disappointment with life.
By my 18th birthday, I was in a much better place. My mum took me to get professional makeup done in clothes I had made (I had started sewing by then). We took pictures, and my mother and father each got me a cake.
On my 19th birthday, I voted for the first time. My friends Firi and Ella came over to fix my nails, eat bread, and drink wine, humbly following in the footsteps of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. They also brought cake.
On my 20th, I had a small rice party, a photoshoot I loved, new nails, and a good book from the boy I liked at the time. I also bought Tomorrow Died Yesterday by Chimeka Garricks, and some highlighters.
On my 21st this year, I received a lot of money, which I used to buy medication because I was very sick. I had fly nails done. I almost fainted in Marketsquare buying groceries. My sister made me food. My mum took me out for cake and drinks, and we had a small family party. I spent the rest of my birthday money buying haircare, skincare, and fabric that I have used from March 2025 to this day. Those hair products will probably still be here by my 22nd birthday next year.
Around my 21st, I also deeply pondered what makes a birthday good. I tried to mathematically trap the feeling I had on my 20th in a bottle and make many more bottles of that, but it escaped me. To find answers, I put out a survey for OTN readers to share their attitudes toward birthdays (as one does) and 21 of you responded.
Here’s what your responses revealed:
Survey Insights
Gifts matter, but not always.
Across respondents, 52.4% said their favourite birthday experience was receiving a thoughtful gift. Gifts are a dominant memory because they symbolize someone else’s attention and care. Yet, 66.7% said they appreciate gifts but do not expect them. This shows that while gifts enhance a celebration, the emotional impact of a birthday is not reliant on them. Gifts are meaningful, but for some people, optional.Childhood experiences shape adult attitudes.
77.8% of respondents who hardly celebrated birthdays as children still do not celebrate them now. Similarly, all respondents who said a birthday is “just another day” had no strong childhood tradition. Interestingly, this same group despite not having celebrations chose “throw a huge extravagant party” as their ideal birthday. This suggests that social influence can outweigh emotional conditioning: even people with little emotional attachment to birthdays may recognize the sociocultural value of celebration.Adult birthdays are about agency.
For 50% of respondents, birthdays are more enjoyable as adults. The key reason: agency. Adults can plan and celebrate according to their own preferences, rather than following family traditions or external expectations. Disappointments, as respondents reported, mostly involve missed opportunities—things they wanted to do but didn’t—rather than events that went wrong. This reinforces that control over your birthday matters more than the material trappings.Birthdays as hedonist pursuits.
Birthdays are, at their core, a pursuit of pleasure. The overwhelming theme in your responses was hedonism—a focus on maximizing enjoyment and minimizing discomfort. Birthdays are meant to be times of joy: relishing the love and presence of family and friends, savoring quiet moments to yourself, soaking up attention, treating yourself, enjoying luxuries, chasing thrills, or simply prioritizing fun and comfort. Framed this way, the idea becomes simple: birthdays, like other celebrations, are structured pauses in life designed for pleasure and care, both social and personal.
What distinguishes those who enjoy their birthdays from those who don’t is the recognition of this opportunity. Hedonism, when understood properly, is not shallowness or indulgence. Pursuing pleasure that warms the heart and fills the metaphorical belly often brings clarity about what truly matters. The pleasure of giving someone the kind of help you yourself never received, or reconciling with a loved one, or caring for your parents or friends, will often outvalue the joy of having a great cake however important.
Many pleasures are fleeting, but the ones that leave a lasting joy and spark gratitude for life and the blessings God has given us are what make a birthday truly meaningful. An ideal birthday is not about superficial treats; it is about recognising and enjoying the pleasure that does not float but sinks deep into your heart.
A Note to OTN Readers
Tomorrow, we celebrate the birthday of an actual King (up Jesus, the realest). My hope is that something from this essay shapes the way you celebrate. May we seek true pleasure, find gratitude in every moment, and celebrate in ways that nourish our hearts.
Wishing a happy birthday to the 19% of respondents who were born in December, as well as a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Thank you for reading. Bye.
Appendix: Some of My Favourite Survey Responses
Q: Do you think birthdays should be a big deal, or are they just another day?
A: “Every man to what pleases them, provided it is within the confines of reasonable modesty.”
Q: Do you think birthdays should be a big deal, or are they just another day?
A: “Anyone your money can do lol.”
Q: If money & time weren’t an issue, how would you celebrate your next birthday?
A: “It’s just [that] I can decide to go out if I want, because I’m an adult and no one can stop me nooooooooooow.”
Q: What’s the worst thing that has happened on your birthday?
A: “My grandmother cooked bitter leaf soup.”
Q: How do you feel about surprise birthday parties?
A: “Can’t knock them until I try them. However, how many people are we expecting? How many hours would this party last? Do I get to go off and sleep while everyone else chills? Will there be small chops?”
Beautiful piece Kanky, and very timely.🥳